I am thousands miles away from my parent, sister, brothers and other closest person in my heart. Every now and then, I can’t stop thinking about them. How are they? Are they okay? Aren’t they getting sick? So many questions hanged in my head, but the answer will just depend on short message through text, that often arrived three (3) times a week, or four (4) times at max. Those are enough reasons to be sad, but there was a thing and some instances that I wasn’t sure about why I am sad. However, I must figure it out.
In some cases, I also have this often depression that always makes me sad even if I don’t know the reason why. I was waking up most of the time, which I got this freaking sadness here, in my heart. So heavy, felt like I am going to cry. Oh not just that, it sometimes came like this; I am happy half of the day, then bang! Strikes here like lightning, whoops! Sadness strikes faster, just like that.
My husband asked me every time;
“Why are you sad honey, was that monster again in there?” (Pointing my heart)
“Do you want something? What will make you happy? Should I get you something? I want you to smile at me, please! I hope monster will be gone soon. That is alright honey, it will be okay. ”
I said, “I don’t know why, I don’t have any idea”.
I really don’t have any idea what was happening. I just remembered that I had this since I was fifteen years of age. I got sad, even if there wasn’t any reason to be.
There will be no other titled to that than “Monster” which tried to ruined my day, and make me felt insane. Not monster like real monster, but monster of depression or etc. I tried to not put it, into my nerves, ignored it, and to not think of it, live normally, but monster was just smart enough.
I used to hide it and haven’t done anything to know the reason why. What for? I know this is some kind of depression, no need medication but only understanding. I wanted to give a smile to my husband every time, because he deserved to be happy, like I am even if I got this huge and legendary Monster(Depression) behind me.
Anyway, I haven’t visited by the monster few weeks ago; I guess it gave up on me. (Giggling) Well, I thought it was, but I was wrong!
Here I am sitting with my notebook on my lap. My husband was away, and nobody is with me. Monster (Depression) visited me again and I was so freaking out with sadness. I am about to cry, but kept holding on, hoping that I can hold tears ‘cause there were no reasons to cry. Crying for no reason would make my day much worse than ever, it’s not worth it!
Was that normal? Have anyone out there felt same from time to time?
Well, I felt exactly the same when I was away from home during my Erasmus in Germany. Being away from my daily routine or from people that I know was hard for me and I spent many nights crying with no reason. Now, back home, I am fine and that’s the mood that I try to keep myself into. I think that you’re lucky because you have a loving husband, but when he’s away, try to socialise with the locals and get involved with things that will keep you away from the Monster’s visits.
And you have a lovely blog and yes, you need extra congratulations for having the courage to share your experience. I don’t know you personally, but I believe that you are brave and that you will keep the Monster away from you for a long long loooooooooong time!!! 🙂
Thank you Dora.
Well, at least now I know that I am not alone experiencing this weird monster 🙂 I guess I must start to mingle with other people when husband is not around. To avoid being insane 😀 Just kidding.
I want that monster to piss off,, 😀 and leave forever,, so I will be able to live peacefully..
Anyway, good for you. You survived with this situation,. Have a great day Dora. 😀